Happiness, hit her like a train on a track

To be honest, it was difficult coming up with a blog dedicated to my lack of a love life. Not that I have one right now, but maybe because that's not all that builds me. I don't know, I guess every now and then I'm allowed to deviate from this, despite the big title up above, you know.

But in keeping with the theme, I do have something to say. It's been quiet lately in this department, but I am having the time of my life. A thought came to me yesterday. I thought that I was at the peak of my youth. And then I disputed myself, because I realised I felt this same way at a point in 2008. And both times there was a similarity - I was single.

And then I traced my memory back to 2004. A complicated time. Single? No? I didn't care.

Maybe it was the not caring that made me happy. Because I am used to being so organic in my thinking; that every single thought that crosses my mind needed deep analysis or else it would be a waste and that would, in return, bother me to the deepest, greatest level. So every once in a while, when I let go and just be, I can find myself being dragged into this open space where nothing but good juju vibes float with you.

Of course, there is also the possibility that I could be hypomanic. But if I had to track down every single emotion and pin it down as an episode, then I might as well pull out a big chart to draw out the mood swings of my life.

So let's keep it as a completely non-medical situation. At least for now. At least until I get pulled higher into this uncontrollable energetic burst of either high agitation or eagerness, or when racing thoughts come speeding through my mind at the speed of a bullet train, or when I start believing in Santa again. So, at least for now, I am logical. I am sane.

And happy.

It's funny how I think my days are numbered when I'm happy. It's like I feel as if I should be punished for feeling this way. It's self-destructive. So I let go. I think I'm not letting go of love. I don't think I will ever be able to let go of love. I am one who knows that no matter how many times or how deeply I get hurt, I always find the capacity to love. And you find love in the strangest places. In the quirkiest of bookstores. In the dingiest of motels. That, too, is a debatable question. But I truly believe love exists everywhere. So I will never let go of love.

What I'm letting go of, is the notion that I might meet someone. It's difficult meeting someone who will accept me for all that I am. People don't find me attractive, but that's okay. I'll live.

It's just that, once in a while, I wish I had strong arms to envelop me. I wish I had beautiful eyes to stare at. I wish I had, well, love. In that way.

Yeah.