Is this just biochemistry?

I woke up today feeling quite low. I suppose this is one of the things I can't help. It's biochemistry in my brain. Sometimes I accept it as so. Some days I feel helpless. Then I go out, and watch people, stare at the stars, find beauty in the smallest of things and places. Sometimes, even the darkest alleys speak out to you.

The capacity and capability to love has always landed me in places that hurt me. But when I think about it, it's probably time. It's probably a sign. If no stars appear in my horizon, it's time to make a move. It's time to care for myself. It's finally time.

It's finally time to do what I want to do, without having to think of someone else.

I have no qualms thinking of someone else every step of the way, if the other person thinks of me too. But like I wrote a while back, if I spend time thinking about other people and they don't think about me, I end up hurting, and they end up happy. And life's not fair, but that's it. So I should better be going on life, moving on.

It's probably time to move on. From everything. And everyone. Of course, there are those I hold dear. I wish they knew how much they mean to me, and I really hope I mean to them as much as they mean to me. But loving someone doesn't make someone love you.

So move on.

It's going to take me some time. Some struggling and grappling with reality, and these waves of uncertainty. But I think soon enough I will be on my way to something better.

I said I don't ever want to be jaded. But maybe, just maybe, love doesn't heal. Time doesn't heal. The only thing that heals is picking up the pieces and moving on.

Or maybe we're all just broken puppets.

Overwhelmed

Why does the world overwhelm me so? I feel like I can't exist here. It gets too much sometimes. I'm not sure if anyone sees me for who I am, or who I can be. But what can you do when your good isn't good enough?

I told a friend that I feel it should be a balance, that we should sometimes overwhelm the world with our existence. In a good way, I hope. And earlier today, I was saying that I've made a lot of mistakes, but I've had a lot of fun, and if I keep hitting walls I'll just keep hitting them until I break down the wall or find an opening.

The truth is, I've found a lot of pain too. But every now and then, you wonder if anyone around you looks at you and thinks "this one's a fighter". Because I don't know if anyone knows how much of a fight I have to put up to simply exist in this world, sometimes.

And if you want an update on my love life, I just want to say these three words: What's going on?

But then again, I'm not sure. I mean, I thought to myself a few days ago. The fact that I know how to hurt and how to feel pain may not necessarily mean it's a bad thing. The ability to feel makes us human. It also means I am not jaded. Which I am glad for. I can still feel. I can still love.

And that's the thing about love. I get tired of giving, not knowing if my love means anything to the people I give it to. But maybe no one loses when it comes to love. Because, as a friend puts it, I know what love is. I actually know what it feels like. I actually know what it can do to you - the good and the bad. And not a lot of people know that. Or not a lot of people care to acknowledge that.

But the truth is, it's 6am and I'm too tired. I think this conversation needs a better time friend. Like 4am. Because 4am knows all my secrets.