Is this just biochemistry?

I woke up today feeling quite low. I suppose this is one of the things I can't help. It's biochemistry in my brain. Sometimes I accept it as so. Some days I feel helpless. Then I go out, and watch people, stare at the stars, find beauty in the smallest of things and places. Sometimes, even the darkest alleys speak out to you.

The capacity and capability to love has always landed me in places that hurt me. But when I think about it, it's probably time. It's probably a sign. If no stars appear in my horizon, it's time to make a move. It's time to care for myself. It's finally time.

It's finally time to do what I want to do, without having to think of someone else.

I have no qualms thinking of someone else every step of the way, if the other person thinks of me too. But like I wrote a while back, if I spend time thinking about other people and they don't think about me, I end up hurting, and they end up happy. And life's not fair, but that's it. So I should better be going on life, moving on.

It's probably time to move on. From everything. And everyone. Of course, there are those I hold dear. I wish they knew how much they mean to me, and I really hope I mean to them as much as they mean to me. But loving someone doesn't make someone love you.

So move on.

It's going to take me some time. Some struggling and grappling with reality, and these waves of uncertainty. But I think soon enough I will be on my way to something better.

I said I don't ever want to be jaded. But maybe, just maybe, love doesn't heal. Time doesn't heal. The only thing that heals is picking up the pieces and moving on.

Or maybe we're all just broken puppets.

Overwhelmed

Why does the world overwhelm me so? I feel like I can't exist here. It gets too much sometimes. I'm not sure if anyone sees me for who I am, or who I can be. But what can you do when your good isn't good enough?

I told a friend that I feel it should be a balance, that we should sometimes overwhelm the world with our existence. In a good way, I hope. And earlier today, I was saying that I've made a lot of mistakes, but I've had a lot of fun, and if I keep hitting walls I'll just keep hitting them until I break down the wall or find an opening.

The truth is, I've found a lot of pain too. But every now and then, you wonder if anyone around you looks at you and thinks "this one's a fighter". Because I don't know if anyone knows how much of a fight I have to put up to simply exist in this world, sometimes.

And if you want an update on my love life, I just want to say these three words: What's going on?

But then again, I'm not sure. I mean, I thought to myself a few days ago. The fact that I know how to hurt and how to feel pain may not necessarily mean it's a bad thing. The ability to feel makes us human. It also means I am not jaded. Which I am glad for. I can still feel. I can still love.

And that's the thing about love. I get tired of giving, not knowing if my love means anything to the people I give it to. But maybe no one loses when it comes to love. Because, as a friend puts it, I know what love is. I actually know what it feels like. I actually know what it can do to you - the good and the bad. And not a lot of people know that. Or not a lot of people care to acknowledge that.

But the truth is, it's 6am and I'm too tired. I think this conversation needs a better time friend. Like 4am. Because 4am knows all my secrets.

More than sticks and stones

Sometimes I just want to know if there's anyone out there who feels the way I do. I know it's normal to face ups and downs, but why do I feel like flinging myself out the open window almost every day? Why do I have this innate need to imagine ending my life in one way or another, and I struggle and battle with it almost every day?

Sometimes that innate need gets so strong I literally harm myself. Although I have been able to restrain myself from doing much harm to myself in a while. In a long while. Which hasn't been easy.

Sometimes I wonder if I just allow myself to take away this self-harming ban I imposed on myself, would it make it easier to go on? Maybe the pain would distract me somehow from the pain I feel inside.

But that's just living a lie.

I'm tired of this struggle. I'm tired of waking up alone and lonely, and knowing that if I disappeared, no one would really care, and that I'd probably have done something better for the world. Sounds like a bout of self-pity, perhaps. But it's just so true. Why do I have to exist to bring negativity around this world? "You always bring people down," an ex used to say angrily. I can't help but hear those words ringing every time I feel down.

So I do what I do best. I stay away from people. And when I do interact with anyone, I throw all my worries away, pack them neatly in a box, and open them again when I am alone. For the truth is, I am a loner. Nobody knows who I am really, and nobody can accept me for who I really am.

I actually wish that there were more people who know me, who loves me, who wants me around. But it's not about quantity, they say, it's about quality. It's true, I have people around me, and I am deeply appreciative of that. I just wish people knew how much they meant to me, and I wish I was as important to them as they were to me. Because it's just as easy leaving me hanging, than to actually take the time to bother.

I shouldn't be surprised. People who claimed to love me more than anything in the world couldn't handle me. Rather than comforting me, they'd rather watch me climb over balconies as I battle internally about whether to jump. When all I need is just to hear you say "Don't." Apparently I don't mean enough to anyone for someone to say "Don't jump. I love you."

Instead, it was easier for them to just walk away, and scoff angrily and say "Do whatever you want to do." What was that? Child treatment? Someone with a mental illness is like a child? So use reverse psychology?

DOES NO ONE REALISE THE LONG TERM DAMAGE IT HAS ON THAT PERSON?

SO TITANIC IS ONE BIG BULLSHIT OF A MOVIE. "You jump, I jump." That is just creation of fiction to make people believe in this thing called love when in reality it doesn't exist.

Love doesn't exist. Maybe it does, for other people. I just don't deserve love.

I think back of all the stupid things I've done for love and I can't help but wonder why I cared. WHY. Men love bitches, they say. They even wrote a book about it. I just need to learn my lesson.

Or not.

I don't know.

All I know right now is that some days, I don't want to belong to the world. I just want to belong to someone. I want to spend rainy days just holding hands, and laughing in bed. I want to love someone with all my heart and for once, have that person love me back with all his heart.

I give up.

Maybe I'm just upset because I realised I was never really loved. By anyone. They say words can't harm you, but you have no idea.

"I'm always so proud of you, but why are you never proud of me?"
"Why should I be proud of you? You've done nothing."

I've been told I was nothing. I was worth nothing.

Now tell me, how do I go on? Where do I find strength and somehow forget these words, and be okay?

Face the facts of the truth of the moment

When almost every day becomes a struggle to live, it's hard to push aside the thoughts that things are wrong. But when things become wrong, the universe has a way of making things right.

To face the facts of the truth of the moment.

Of the moment.

The moment.

When I feel myself slipping away, I get pulled back by the forces of nature, one that is greater than most energies - the one that brings energies together sometimes.

Maybe my mind doesn't make sense anymore.

All I know is that when it comes to things you can't see, you feel with your heart.

"When life throws you a lemon, why not make margaritas?"

Maybe I'll be a bartender in a rustic bar by the beach somewhere.

Or maybe I'll just be whoever I can be, the best that I can be.

Be Kind, Rewind

I decided to take down the last post I wrote because I was reminded of this quote:

"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle."

Happy Lunar New Year, everyone!

:(

With the hope that writing will somehow help me get through this "festive" season, I will attempt to pen down how I feel. This is turning out to be harder than I thought it would be. My emotions are all over the place, and as I'm typing this right now, the only thing I could do is to hide in my room and cry buckets while I write, reflect and try to understand the things happening around me and within me.

In other words, I am falling apart, but I am trying so damn hard to not show.

Not so that I would fake emotions; I am trying to be as genuine as I can with how I feel, but because I really do not want to bring anyone else down with me. So a smile is the best I can do. And distractions help. Like when you're swamped with so many conversations and people and relatives, and you quietly slip off to play with your uncle's dog.

Anyway, I think I'll be able to make it through, somehow. We find strength within ourselves when we need it most, even when we think there's no way we can make it. One of beauties of life, I believe.

Although, I must say that it isn't easy, this hiding in my room thing, because I share a room with my mum when she's down here, and every fifteen minutes or so, she steps in to get something, or to say something, and I'm tired. And it's so hard to not let show how I really feel.

It's my first Lunar New Year "alone", i.e. single, in a while. I really wanted to avoid using that word, not because I care about being single, but because I came from a relationship status that brought along promise, not only to me, but to my entire family. I recall my late grandpa, two Chinese New Years ago, gave his blessing to my ex, calling him his future "son-in-law". Maybe there's no reason for me to feel this way, because maybe my family completely understands every screw up I've ever had, but it does feel horrible to know that I screw up time and time again.

It sucks to know that I'm the only one in the family with no proper job, with bipolar disorder, with nothing they could be proud of. It feels like every single public interaction I have with my family, I am tempted to make a public statement of apology.

In other words, my self-esteem is at zero right now. Anxiety is at a level high. And I don't know how to go on.

I miss the good old days. I miss those days when I was still studying, or was still capable of working. Those days when they thought I had a future. Those days when I still took the bus home, or drove 3 hours back to my hometown for Chinese New Year.

But maybe home is where the heart is. But why does it feel so out of beat, out of sync, out of tune? I feel like when I play music in my car, my mum reacts to my choice of music in a way I can't explain. She would sigh a lot, sometimes yawn, I feel judged. And maybe that's also the problem. Right now I feel like I can't be "me" around my family, and it's hardening me inside.

Then again, maybe that's exactly what I needed anyway. Some "hardening" of the heart. Pretending that I'm okay UNTIL I really AM okay, if there's really such a thing. Jadedness.

I don't know what it'll be like if anyone read this, and thought that I was being ungrateful towards my family, because I have no such intention at all. They are great people, and they love me, of course they do.

Maybe I'm just whining for nothing. I should just keep quiet, shut up, stop crying in my room, face the truth, face the facts. Face reality.

Grow up.

"You're Awesome"

Actors. Dancers. Directors. Writers. Doctors. Lawyers. Students. Engineers. Adventurers. Travellers. Dreamers.
Such a long list, too long to list them all down.

I am so proud of my friends.

I somehow feel like I don't have the tiniest fraction of awesomeness that they have.

I wish they knew how amazing they truly are.

And how greatly they affect me, and my life.