In Making Decisions

You can't be saved from tunes of the past if you keep listening to broken records.

That just totally came out of the blue, but something like that has been stuck in my mind for a very long time now.

I got very exhausted. From overthinking. Or overfeeling. Either way, I wasn't winning. I saw signs of a mixed episode - and started to worry, and then remembered that worrying was what kept me in that state for five weeks, and I started to find coping mechanisms. I was exhausted and I wanted to sleep all the time. And yet, at the same time, I was highly agitated, and restless. Like I wanted to go out instead of facing these four walls and a ceiling. Or like I wanted to get a job. Whoa. I caught myself in time. That eagerness to get a job is not necessarily a bad thing at all, but the recklessness involved in it, is. That lands a person in bad decisions and choices.

Which was also why I took some time in making a decision/choice today. And I finally made the choice, after careful consideration. But of course, I believe your heart needs to be involved in deciding things like these too. Or anything, for that matter.

But it was the indecision that made me wonder. I always thought that it was a Libran thing - that we scales need to be constantly balanced and can't be tipped either way, so we can't make a decision that weighs heavier on one end. In all honesty, I still believe it's a Libran thing. That Librans find it harder to make decisions.

But I also read that indecision is a main cause of stagnancy. When you decide NOT to decide, that in itself is a decision. And that hinders you from moving to a lot of places (or anywhere at all, for that matter) because you tend to get stuck. So sleeping on it might be a good idea, but not forever. The universe does tend to unfold but it does so on your behalf. I believe in listening to your instincts and trusting what the universe is telling you to do. That doesn't mean I've only made "right" decisions all my life. This year, for example, I have made decisions which have led me down the path I've never taken in my life before, and I sometimes wonder if they are worth it. But only time can tell if the decision(s) is/are worth it (I'd rather say this than "right") in the end. Like in deciding whether a relationship is worth saving. One can never be too sure. But we make the best out of everything we decide on, don't we?

So I suppose I know why I have yet to meet the right person. There are a bountiful of men out there - and some make the cut; they fit right into what I look for. Maybe. I don't know that for sure, but one can always hope. But maybe the universe has yet to allow me to meet them, because in some twisted cosmic way that makes so much sense, it wants me to be able to sort my indecision problem out first before I'm allowed to meet them. What is the point of meeting them, if I can't make decisions based on what I see or feel or want or need? And it doesn't necessarily even mean it has to be a handful of men. It could be just one guy, but if I can't decide on whether he's the right one, then my indecision or rather, inability to make decisions and choices, would hinder me from making the decision that would be "worthy".

Besides, making a decision with a broken heart is not exactly the best thing. You tend to get a clouded judgement. It either ends great or it ends horribly bad. You can meet someone, have great chemistry, and somehow believe that he/she is the one because you've had strings of broken relationships. You'd probably hop right into bed, and it would be incredible that you'd believe he/she was meant to be the one. And that could end either way, too. OR you could be completely shut off from accepting someone into your heart because of a heartbreak. You might think (or trick yourself to believe) that you want to be with someone, but it could just be the heartbreak speaking. It could be the heartbreak telling you that the person is the one, when actually it's loneliness, and despair.

So I'm healing. And I'm healing well, actually. Sure, I have my ups and downs, but going through the motion is good. Someone said that it's better to mourn over something over a period of time, rather than just getting over it. And I completely agree. About 7 years ago, something rather traumatic happened to me and I chose to get over it very quickly. That was how I got haunted by it years down the road. It's like getting a new piercing. It takes some time to heal, and sometimes you think it has already healed but it hasn't, and you meddle with it, and that attracts trouble and germs. So, lay off that finger, stop touching that itch, let it be, and soon enough, you'll see that it's worth it in the end.

Besides, with piercings, the pain is doubled or tripled when you use a needle instead of the gun. But the risks with the gun are simply not worth it. So, I guess you can say that, with a heartbreak, we tend to choose the less painful solution, but the risks are far more dangerous.

That's not to say we shouldn't take risks. I shouldn't have used that piercing analogy anyway. I mean, life is too short to not take risks. I have been a risk taker all my life, and although I have stumbled many times (a little too many than I'd like to take into account sometimes), I have lived.

So, life's too short. Eat a cupcake.