:(

With the hope that writing will somehow help me get through this "festive" season, I will attempt to pen down how I feel. This is turning out to be harder than I thought it would be. My emotions are all over the place, and as I'm typing this right now, the only thing I could do is to hide in my room and cry buckets while I write, reflect and try to understand the things happening around me and within me.

In other words, I am falling apart, but I am trying so damn hard to not show.

Not so that I would fake emotions; I am trying to be as genuine as I can with how I feel, but because I really do not want to bring anyone else down with me. So a smile is the best I can do. And distractions help. Like when you're swamped with so many conversations and people and relatives, and you quietly slip off to play with your uncle's dog.

Anyway, I think I'll be able to make it through, somehow. We find strength within ourselves when we need it most, even when we think there's no way we can make it. One of beauties of life, I believe.

Although, I must say that it isn't easy, this hiding in my room thing, because I share a room with my mum when she's down here, and every fifteen minutes or so, she steps in to get something, or to say something, and I'm tired. And it's so hard to not let show how I really feel.

It's my first Lunar New Year "alone", i.e. single, in a while. I really wanted to avoid using that word, not because I care about being single, but because I came from a relationship status that brought along promise, not only to me, but to my entire family. I recall my late grandpa, two Chinese New Years ago, gave his blessing to my ex, calling him his future "son-in-law". Maybe there's no reason for me to feel this way, because maybe my family completely understands every screw up I've ever had, but it does feel horrible to know that I screw up time and time again.

It sucks to know that I'm the only one in the family with no proper job, with bipolar disorder, with nothing they could be proud of. It feels like every single public interaction I have with my family, I am tempted to make a public statement of apology.

In other words, my self-esteem is at zero right now. Anxiety is at a level high. And I don't know how to go on.

I miss the good old days. I miss those days when I was still studying, or was still capable of working. Those days when they thought I had a future. Those days when I still took the bus home, or drove 3 hours back to my hometown for Chinese New Year.

But maybe home is where the heart is. But why does it feel so out of beat, out of sync, out of tune? I feel like when I play music in my car, my mum reacts to my choice of music in a way I can't explain. She would sigh a lot, sometimes yawn, I feel judged. And maybe that's also the problem. Right now I feel like I can't be "me" around my family, and it's hardening me inside.

Then again, maybe that's exactly what I needed anyway. Some "hardening" of the heart. Pretending that I'm okay UNTIL I really AM okay, if there's really such a thing. Jadedness.

I don't know what it'll be like if anyone read this, and thought that I was being ungrateful towards my family, because I have no such intention at all. They are great people, and they love me, of course they do.

Maybe I'm just whining for nothing. I should just keep quiet, shut up, stop crying in my room, face the truth, face the facts. Face reality.

Grow up.