Finding Beauty in the Smallest of Things

"I believe you can achieve euphoria while feeling euphoric," a friend said.

It's a price I have to pay, really. There is this article, a blog post, that I stumbled upon, that described being bipolar to the very detail. And I could really relate to that. The Internet is amazing, because if it has any good at all, the least it has done for me is to make me feel less alone. Knowing that someone out there, miles and miles away, with possibly a different personality, and a different hairstyle, and likes peanut butter and chocolate, or beer, well, someone with all these differences, may share similarities with me. Similarities that very few understand. Similarities that, only people like us would understand. But that makes it even more beautiful.

Ever since I was little, I tried to understand something about myself. I never understood why I would cry over the smallest things - and not just the sad things, but also the things that tug on my heart, or even things that other people glance at, and look away.

Maybe other people are better at hiding how they feel. Maybe. But sometimes, and this happens at too many an occasion, I wonder why I could look at a flower and smile. Or admire the moon from afar, reaching out trying to catch it with my fingers. How silly, one might think. I giggle sometimes, and jokingly say that I should act my age. I'm 27 this year, and when I look at most of the people my age, I wonder if I just don't fit in. It pains me sometimes. It does. I read a quote before that I can relate to so much; it said: "I pretend that I like to be weird, but actually, I just don't fit in." And there's just so much of truth in that for me, I go around pretending that I like it, but in all honesty, I always wished, ever since I was a child, that I was normal. Like everyone else. But that is not the right thing to say, because everyone is unique and different, right?

Not according to a friend, who's an oddball. He's the kind of person who's so socially awkward that he would whistle a tune while sitting with a group of strangers, just because he feels awkward. I find that enticing.

When I was 23, someone told me that I was "an old soul trapped in a young body". I feel like, it doesn't matter what has been said or done, the simple truth is that, when I've chosen to live my life the way I've lived, I find the extremes of both ends. Of both poles.

So I remember a time during Gimrama class back when I was studying in Universiti Malaya, when everyone was busy stretching, I was doing the same while staring at a blade of grass. It was dancing in the wind. There was such beauty in it, I could not take my eyes off from it for a minute. It was possibly a simple distraction, but I can say this simply: I see beauty in the smallest of things. And it may have taken me 27 years to realise this, but I do not want to lose this gift.

So now I understand why I can feel so overwhelmed over things that may seem like nothing to others. Why holding a book in my hand can flood me in tears. Why hugging someone can leave me feeling fuzzy inside for hours, even days. Why I can stare into someone's eyes and feel a certain way I can never explain. Why I can hold a crayon in my hand and just smile. Why, so many years ago, when I went up the foot of Mount Kinabalu, I was so overwhelmed I sprung out singing "Top of The World". Why, when I used to stare at someone else sleeping, I would feel a sense of comfort. These small things; these things some people may take as normal, as something so ordinary, can appear so extraordinary to me. And I have faith in the extraordinary.

Which is why, I believe, that when I truly achieve happiness, I will attain a level of euphoria that very few can possibly feel. It's a price I pay. It is. But I can never say thank you enough for this deal.