Identity

I have come to realise that a lot of my posts will begin or contain the phrase "I have come to realise". Now isn't that a little amusing?

So... I have come to realise that one of the things that a person (I would have loved to say "woman", but I might have come off a little sexist) should never lose while being in a relationship, is his/her identity. I remember after my last break up, while talking to a close friend from my university days, she asked me this question: If the Sharon of 2008 (before the relationship started) met the Sharon of now, would they recognise each other?

When that question was asked, I was stunned. I was held back. I felt like I was being hit in the face with a fly-swatter, and those things do not even really exist anymore.

Because the truth is, that if I had to travel back in time to meet the "older" me, I would probably not recognise myself at all. Or to make horror or horrors worse, the "older" me would be shocked to see the "newer" me.

I remember, while working on my monologue for this festival, where I basically chose to bare all and tell all about my bipolar disorder, my director and I came to the conclusion that the "new" me is of course stronger. And in so many ways, when it comes to battling this illness, I definitely think that the current me is stronger. More steadfast. Knows more. And knowledge is power.

But when it comes to the issue of identity, and if I choose to analyse the "me" minus my illness and instead I choose to focus solely on the fact that I was in a relationship, I would say that the "new" me is no better than the "old" me.

I looked through old photos and old blog posts one day, very recently, and I realised that the things I used to love doing or feel strongly about, did not resonate well at all in my previous relationship. A clear example would be the fact that I felt so strongly about the state of socio-economics of this country. I care about the political "turmoil" of this country. I care about the people of this country.

My partner of three years did not even believe in voting. He was, and I believe, is still not even a registered voter.

I lost the sense of enjoyment in music while I was with my ex. We had a jarring case of difference when it came to music, and it became all too apparent. And so in a period of darkness in my life, I completely lost the ability to listen to music. And another thing I've come to realise? Is that the "me" of today is so much more open to different kinds of music, as compared to the "me" of before.

So it would be entirely awesome if I could meet someone with whom I could share the same values, and even if we don't, he would respect the fact that I cherish those values. He will not say that my struggles are in vain, or that they do not matter.

My taste in men have been a little strange, and who is to blame but myself? No, this is completely not a moment of self-pity, but instead, this is a moment of self-realisation (refer to beginning of post). I have landed in relationships whereby I allowed the men to woo me, even when I believed the relationship had no chance of working out. I always give things a chance (or two, or three), which is not necessarily a mistake. Like I said, they make you learn more about yourself.

The only thing is that I should learn from this too. After all, this year opened my eyes to the kind of men that I find attractive, regardless of their feelings towards me.

Now, that too, may not be such a good thing. I don't want to live my life pining for someone who is most likely pining for someone else. But it does help to put life into perspective a little; to help me see what kind of men I find attractive.

And another thing I learned this year? Is that we should always give things a chance. When it comes to the unknown, you feel with your heart. Allow it to go sometimes. We may be making the biggest mistake ever, but it's a risk worth taking. And this is coming from a person who has taken risks all her life; I dare say that I have lived.

My senses are definitely more open now. I know what I want.

The only drawback right now, and this is probably more from the fact that I feel alone, and I can't help it, is that it doesn't help waking up every morning feeling heavy hearted. I remember saying once that it is better to be single than unloved in a relationship. But no matter how unloved you feel in a relationship, when you give so much of yourself, you make believe that you are loved. I don't even know if that makes sense, but that's just how it works. Instead, these days I feel like I'm a gunny sack. I feel completely unattractive, and it makes me wonder why men don't see me as a woman.

Maybe it's because I hang around guys too much.

Or maybe, simply maybe, it's a case of mistaken identity.